I think everyone has nights like this, when they feel more sentimental than usual, maybe even to the extent of experiencing a great deal of sadness. Sometimes, realization strikes that our life is not the way we wish it were. And it may never be.
I'm not entirely sure what led me to feel this way tonight. It's probably a combination of factors. For the past few years, I have been repeatedly reflecting upon the past, and also tried my best to look forward to a bright happy future. Is it possible to do that? Sometimes I think it isn't, because it makes me feel like I'm stuck in the past, unable to move forward, or that I'm still holding on to things that I have already let go. Then again, for people who are largely satisfied and happy with the past few years of their lives, and are anticipating the continuance of their contented life, it would most definitely work out.
Have I not moved on from the past? Have I not let go of things I should have let go a long time ago? Sometimes it feels that way. I don't think about the past all the time, but when I do, I feel a lot of pain. Of course, I also feel pride, that the younger me did a pretty decent job of getting through rough times, while relatively alone. That being said, I think that when you experience a great extent of trauma, it is truly unforgettable.
What is trauma? The whole concept of trauma is really too subjective. What might constitute significant trauma to one, might just be some trivial commonplace worry that another person brushes off everyday. I think I've always had a great sense of awareness. I know that I am a very fortunate person. I know I went through a series of unfortunate events, but then again other people go through their own difficult times too. And who's to say who suffered a greater deal of trauma?
How do you truly move on from something, without finding yourself buried in the pages of that bad history every now and then? Or is that something normal? It certainly isn't healthy. What if you never move on from it, even after you get your answers and make peace with the past? Sometimes I feel like the past will always haunt me, and follow me from place to place, right behind my fleeing heels.
And how do you be someone else's rock, and be good enough as a support for that person, when you aren't even good enough for yourself? I know I have to fix myself first, before I attempt to fix someone else. Like I said, I've always had good awareness. But astute awareness only brings you that far. How do you go on rectifying the problem you're aware of then? Do you seek help?
And what if people see your weaknesses when you reach out for help? I've always preferred grieving in private. But it's just so difficult sometimes, to keep everything in. I try to smile, and I laugh as much as possible. Sometimes if you tell yourself enough times, that life is good, and you're happy and doing a lot of productive things, you might end up believing it. And you might end up doing it, and achieving it.
But what if you don't? What if at the end of day, after years and years of trying, you're still back at square 1, circling the same worn out path?
When will this comparison stop? When will I ever feel good enough about myself?
When I realise that some things and people were never meant to be?
Is this an eternally recurring theme?
I'm not entirely sure what led me to feel this way tonight. It's probably a combination of factors. For the past few years, I have been repeatedly reflecting upon the past, and also tried my best to look forward to a bright happy future. Is it possible to do that? Sometimes I think it isn't, because it makes me feel like I'm stuck in the past, unable to move forward, or that I'm still holding on to things that I have already let go. Then again, for people who are largely satisfied and happy with the past few years of their lives, and are anticipating the continuance of their contented life, it would most definitely work out.
Have I not moved on from the past? Have I not let go of things I should have let go a long time ago? Sometimes it feels that way. I don't think about the past all the time, but when I do, I feel a lot of pain. Of course, I also feel pride, that the younger me did a pretty decent job of getting through rough times, while relatively alone. That being said, I think that when you experience a great extent of trauma, it is truly unforgettable.
What is trauma? The whole concept of trauma is really too subjective. What might constitute significant trauma to one, might just be some trivial commonplace worry that another person brushes off everyday. I think I've always had a great sense of awareness. I know that I am a very fortunate person. I know I went through a series of unfortunate events, but then again other people go through their own difficult times too. And who's to say who suffered a greater deal of trauma?
How do you truly move on from something, without finding yourself buried in the pages of that bad history every now and then? Or is that something normal? It certainly isn't healthy. What if you never move on from it, even after you get your answers and make peace with the past? Sometimes I feel like the past will always haunt me, and follow me from place to place, right behind my fleeing heels.
And how do you be someone else's rock, and be good enough as a support for that person, when you aren't even good enough for yourself? I know I have to fix myself first, before I attempt to fix someone else. Like I said, I've always had good awareness. But astute awareness only brings you that far. How do you go on rectifying the problem you're aware of then? Do you seek help?
And what if people see your weaknesses when you reach out for help? I've always preferred grieving in private. But it's just so difficult sometimes, to keep everything in. I try to smile, and I laugh as much as possible. Sometimes if you tell yourself enough times, that life is good, and you're happy and doing a lot of productive things, you might end up believing it. And you might end up doing it, and achieving it.
But what if you don't? What if at the end of day, after years and years of trying, you're still back at square 1, circling the same worn out path?
When will this comparison stop? When will I ever feel good enough about myself?
When I realise that some things and people were never meant to be?
Is this an eternally recurring theme?
No comments:
Post a Comment