Some of you may be aware of this video that has been circulating around of late. It depicts a domestic dispute whereby a woman is confronting her husband and his PRC mistress, having seemingly caught them red-handed in the midst of an ongoing affair. It's currently amassed 23,247 shares on Facebook, and was filmed and uploaded by the married couple's 23 year old daughter.
I first came across this video about a week ago, and the caption really intrigued me because of the phrase "literally pushed my mum to her death" and of course, "China fucks". I played the video, somehow expecting it to perhaps be a suicide attempt with a human tangle near a window. It became quite clear that my intiial interpretation was wrong, but I didn't quite understand what was really happening. Therefore I dismissed it until a few days later when it again surfaced on my news feed, as it had again been shared by one of my friends, as he expressed sorrow at how things had come to this.
Curious, I clicked on the video uploader's facebook profile link, and found a string of public statuses which provided me with a sufficiently clear account of what was going on.
So here's a brief backdrop of the situation -
The Singaporean public expressed outrage at the adulterous couple, especially towards the PRC mistress, as well as pity towards the daughter and her suffering mother.
Subsequent statuses published by the daughter reveal that this is not the first time her father has had an affair. I quote: "My father had an affair 7 years ago. Which sent my mum deep into depression. We trusted him and took him back despite everything even after this current affair (he admitted that he had this affair for 4 years now)".
Then comes the more contentious parts of this whole issue. Photos of the PRC mistress AND her daughter were uploaded on Facebook as well, along with the warning caption: "Beware.". A few people have voiced their objections over this, pointing out that the PRC mistress's daughter is an innocent party who should be dragged into the whole saga. Majority of public support however, seems to back the daughter's actions of uploading those photos and publicly shaming the PRC mother-daughter duo. This is not surprising at all, given that there is a growing disdain of the PRCs, following the massive influx of PRC foreign workers and immigrants into Singapore.
The daughter actually addressed such criticism by highlighting that the PRC mistress's daughter had "most definitely" known about her, having gone to the same secondary school as the former. Furthermore, the daughter stated that she had made a trip down to her polytechnic upon learning of the latter's graduation, in an attempt to talk to her "nicely". I quote: "That little "innocent girl" glared at me and continued taking whatever money my dad provides for them". The evidence suggests that the PRC mistress does not work, so I presume that majority of people believe that her daughter's education fees and living expenses are taken care of by the cheating husband. In my opinion, she does have a point in that the PRC mistress's daughter is not a complete innocent, as she is old enough to have realised and inferred that the money she was receiving was the result of an extra-marital affair her mother was engaging in, and she WAS and IS in the position to discourage her mother from it. She is perhaps also capable of not relying on this man's money and she could attempt to make it on her own, instead of using money which belongs to his rightful family.
PRC daughter generally innocent of cheating?
As usual, I think that this whole issue of whether the PRC daughter should have been embroiled in the saga and publicly named & shamed comes down to a broader issue of social and moral responsibility. Is there a threshold for people who are complicit in cheating? Are you complicit in the cheating if you enjoy the benefits of it, although you do not physically engage in it? Let's say that the PRC daughter did not obtain any benefit from her mother's extra-marital affair, but she did not discourage it in any way; would we hold her complicit in the cheating? Is she at fault as well? This is clearly open to debate. It would appear that social and moral responsibility requires her to have at least made an attempt to discourage her mother from the affair, and not enjoyed the fruits of her mother's "labour", to be considered innocent and fault-free. Therefore, based on the evidence, she is not an innocent.
However, does that even matter at all? I think it is irrelevant.
Should PRC daughter then be named and shamed along with her mother?
In my opinion, revelation of the PRC daughter's identity on social media should not have happened. Why not?
1. Let's not encourage cyber bullying.
Whether you like it or not, all those comments and insinuations about how this PRC daughter will grow up to be a mistress and home-wrecker like her mother amount to a serious case of cyber-bullying. You may argue that it is a form of retaliation, and revenge, which justifies the shaming this PRC mistress and her daughter on social media, since they haven't taken money from the man's family and broken up his marriage, as well as his relationship with his own daughter. However, the truth is that there is never a justification or excuse for being malicious to anyone.
When people behave like total bitches to you and ruin you life, turning it upside down, they are in the wrong. It is their fault for throwing you into this limbo. However, when you retaliate by "returning the favour", it becomes your fault as well. You are also in the wrong.
I draw an analogy to someone standing trial for assault. In many instances, claiming provocation is never a complete defence, and it is usually merely a mitigating factor when it comes to sentencing, etc. The fact is that you assaulted someone, and it is irrelevant that they did you wrong before that (unless of course you can prove that your actions were a form of self-defence, which is a whole different matter).
Maybe I'm thinking too much, but I've always been disturbed by how bullied people are ostracized and picked on, up till the point where they snap and sometimes commit suicide. Then they become that "sweet and shy kid who did not deserve it" blah blah blah. Obviously the answer to being bullied is not to take your life (I've been bullied before and I emerged out of it stronger than before, so in no way am I saying that the logical reaction is to commit suicide). However, the truth is that it happens, and I wonder how people who actively engage in the bullying would feel if they realise they had a part to play in pushing someone to their death.
Maybe you think the PRC mistress and PRC daughter deserve all this public shaming and slamming. But this is all part of a bigger problem, and it has severe social consequences.
2. The repercussions of a rash act.
In my opinion, the whole matter should not have been made public in such a way, in the first place.
Now I acknowledge that I might be wrong on this point, as I do not know the circumstances of the matter that clearly, nor do I claim to understand the suffering daughter's state of mind, now that her family seems to be in shambles. However, the language which she has engaged in lead me to form the opinion that she posted them and made such remarks in a fit of continuing rage. Therefore, it may be inferred that they are part of a rash act.
I'm sure we all had times where we did things without thinking it through thoroughly, and completely regretted our actions due to various consequences. In this case, I worry that the suffering daughter may subsequently regret making this case so high profile. I would like to clarify that she does not have to feel bad about her father cheating, because it is not her fault, and she therefore has nothing to be ashamed about. However, by blowing things up to this extent, she may have narrowed the possibility of having a proper relationship with her father in the future, and the shadow of having her family ruined by an affair made public may follow her around for as long as these internet records exist and continue to be discussed.
Some of you may point out that there is no point continuing to have a relationship with a man who turns his back on his family for another woman. There is clearly a lot of anger, hurt and perhaps hatred on her part for her father, and she may now be of the opinion that she does not need him in her life at all. (And can you really blame her? I would feel exactly the same if I were in her shoes, hurt and pissed as hell). But the fact is that we all change. Imagine if this happened to you, and you were to look back 50 years later, estranged from your father all those years until his death, never able to have a proper talk for any closure or reconciliation. And a thousand "what ifs" would run through your head. "What if I had done things differently, would my children have had a grandfather around to dote on them?; "What if... would I have had a chance to say a final goodbye?", etc. My point is, you never really know. Things change, people change, and your mindset and thinking changes. You hate someone today. You might love and miss them tomorrow. Human emotions are fucked up. You think you should just feel nonchalant about someone because they're not worthy of your attention, but somehow you may still care deeply for them.
HOWEVER, having said all of the above,
the truth is, I can't say I would not do what she did if I were in her shoes.
Although the logical and rational side of me tells me that this situation was handled pretty badly, I know there is a high probability that I would have at least been highly tempted to do the same. Therefore, even though I think she shouldn't have done it, in no way do I actually think she should be held accountable. The truth is that you never really know what you would do and how it feels until you experience it personally. Your parents are supposed to stick by you no matter what, I'm sure we can all imagine how terrible it is being betrayed by a parent, much less in such a way. I would probably go crazy. I would feel immensely hurt and angry. I'm not sure I would actually ever be able to let go of that hatred. Some things just scar you for life.
So what is the right thing to do?
I can't really say what the right thing to do is. Obviously in an ideal situation, you let go and get over things that upset you, but easier said than done. It's never that simple, it's hard as hell. Ultimately, I hope that if I'm ever faced with a similar situation, I can find it within myself to react rationally, and be the better person. Most things are never worth blowing up. We could do so much better than that. But that's just my opinion, and I've always been a relatively private people. Clearly, different people grieve differently and handle things differently.
THE PRC FACTOR
I think it's pretty obvious that people are being extra harsh on the PRC mistress and PRC daughter because *surprise surprise* they are PRC. That's a whole other debate which I don't wish to get into right now, although I have got to say that some of the people who have helped me the most during the toughest times are from China. A few years ago, I was a scared 16 year old who was studying abroad away from my family, and I got myself in a pretty shitty situation where I had no friends and was suffering from severe emotional stress. 2 of the few friends who opened up their hearts and home to me, were from China. They cooked me meals, let me stay over and sleep in their beds with them, lending me clothes and walking me home when it got too late. I will never forget their generosity, kindness, and the hospitality they extended to me when I was in such a desperate state. You never forget the people who help you when you're in your deepest bouts of despair. (Thank you, Melinda and Christine!)
I feel that it is somewhat unfair to equate being PRC to being scum, although in this matter I fully concede that being a mistress is an extremely low thing to do. However, I do wonder if Singaporeans would be reacting the same way if the mistress were not PRC, but local. What do you think?
Anyway, I apologise for my rambling and incoherent thoughts on the matter, and I would like to highlight that these are just my personal opinions (I have too many, lol). I am definitely not trying to criticise anyone or set any moral standards that people should conform to, because I am not a saint and even I don't always follow what I think is right. I feel terrible for the suffering wife and her daughter, and I wish them all the best for the road to recovery. Many people have offered their help and assistance, and I hope that they wake up everyday knowing that many of us are rooting for them. The man's daughter is clearly very courageous to have shared her story, and I know she can use that bravery and strength to move on with her life and live well. The bravest people always achieve the most in life (something I should definitely take note of).
Disclaimer: I am not familiar with the dialect engaged in in this video, so the opinions in this post are based solely on my interpretation of the matter, and I do not claim to be giving an accurate account. In addition, these are strictly my own opinions in my personal capacity.
I first came across this video about a week ago, and the caption really intrigued me because of the phrase "literally pushed my mum to her death" and of course, "China fucks". I played the video, somehow expecting it to perhaps be a suicide attempt with a human tangle near a window. It became quite clear that my intiial interpretation was wrong, but I didn't quite understand what was really happening. Therefore I dismissed it until a few days later when it again surfaced on my news feed, as it had again been shared by one of my friends, as he expressed sorrow at how things had come to this.
Curious, I clicked on the video uploader's facebook profile link, and found a string of public statuses which provided me with a sufficiently clear account of what was going on.
So here's a brief backdrop of the situation -
The Singaporean public expressed outrage at the adulterous couple, especially towards the PRC mistress, as well as pity towards the daughter and her suffering mother.
Subsequent statuses published by the daughter reveal that this is not the first time her father has had an affair. I quote: "My father had an affair 7 years ago. Which sent my mum deep into depression. We trusted him and took him back despite everything even after this current affair (he admitted that he had this affair for 4 years now)".
Then comes the more contentious parts of this whole issue. Photos of the PRC mistress AND her daughter were uploaded on Facebook as well, along with the warning caption: "Beware.". A few people have voiced their objections over this, pointing out that the PRC mistress's daughter is an innocent party who should be dragged into the whole saga. Majority of public support however, seems to back the daughter's actions of uploading those photos and publicly shaming the PRC mother-daughter duo. This is not surprising at all, given that there is a growing disdain of the PRCs, following the massive influx of PRC foreign workers and immigrants into Singapore.
The daughter actually addressed such criticism by highlighting that the PRC mistress's daughter had "most definitely" known about her, having gone to the same secondary school as the former. Furthermore, the daughter stated that she had made a trip down to her polytechnic upon learning of the latter's graduation, in an attempt to talk to her "nicely". I quote: "That little "innocent girl" glared at me and continued taking whatever money my dad provides for them". The evidence suggests that the PRC mistress does not work, so I presume that majority of people believe that her daughter's education fees and living expenses are taken care of by the cheating husband. In my opinion, she does have a point in that the PRC mistress's daughter is not a complete innocent, as she is old enough to have realised and inferred that the money she was receiving was the result of an extra-marital affair her mother was engaging in, and she WAS and IS in the position to discourage her mother from it. She is perhaps also capable of not relying on this man's money and she could attempt to make it on her own, instead of using money which belongs to his rightful family.
PRC daughter generally innocent of cheating?
As usual, I think that this whole issue of whether the PRC daughter should have been embroiled in the saga and publicly named & shamed comes down to a broader issue of social and moral responsibility. Is there a threshold for people who are complicit in cheating? Are you complicit in the cheating if you enjoy the benefits of it, although you do not physically engage in it? Let's say that the PRC daughter did not obtain any benefit from her mother's extra-marital affair, but she did not discourage it in any way; would we hold her complicit in the cheating? Is she at fault as well? This is clearly open to debate. It would appear that social and moral responsibility requires her to have at least made an attempt to discourage her mother from the affair, and not enjoyed the fruits of her mother's "labour", to be considered innocent and fault-free. Therefore, based on the evidence, she is not an innocent.
However, does that even matter at all? I think it is irrelevant.
Should PRC daughter then be named and shamed along with her mother?
In my opinion, revelation of the PRC daughter's identity on social media should not have happened. Why not?
1. Let's not encourage cyber bullying.
Whether you like it or not, all those comments and insinuations about how this PRC daughter will grow up to be a mistress and home-wrecker like her mother amount to a serious case of cyber-bullying. You may argue that it is a form of retaliation, and revenge, which justifies the shaming this PRC mistress and her daughter on social media, since they haven't taken money from the man's family and broken up his marriage, as well as his relationship with his own daughter. However, the truth is that there is never a justification or excuse for being malicious to anyone.
When people behave like total bitches to you and ruin you life, turning it upside down, they are in the wrong. It is their fault for throwing you into this limbo. However, when you retaliate by "returning the favour", it becomes your fault as well. You are also in the wrong.
I draw an analogy to someone standing trial for assault. In many instances, claiming provocation is never a complete defence, and it is usually merely a mitigating factor when it comes to sentencing, etc. The fact is that you assaulted someone, and it is irrelevant that they did you wrong before that (unless of course you can prove that your actions were a form of self-defence, which is a whole different matter).
Maybe I'm thinking too much, but I've always been disturbed by how bullied people are ostracized and picked on, up till the point where they snap and sometimes commit suicide. Then they become that "sweet and shy kid who did not deserve it" blah blah blah. Obviously the answer to being bullied is not to take your life (I've been bullied before and I emerged out of it stronger than before, so in no way am I saying that the logical reaction is to commit suicide). However, the truth is that it happens, and I wonder how people who actively engage in the bullying would feel if they realise they had a part to play in pushing someone to their death.
Maybe you think the PRC mistress and PRC daughter deserve all this public shaming and slamming. But this is all part of a bigger problem, and it has severe social consequences.
2. The repercussions of a rash act.
In my opinion, the whole matter should not have been made public in such a way, in the first place.
Now I acknowledge that I might be wrong on this point, as I do not know the circumstances of the matter that clearly, nor do I claim to understand the suffering daughter's state of mind, now that her family seems to be in shambles. However, the language which she has engaged in lead me to form the opinion that she posted them and made such remarks in a fit of continuing rage. Therefore, it may be inferred that they are part of a rash act.
I'm sure we all had times where we did things without thinking it through thoroughly, and completely regretted our actions due to various consequences. In this case, I worry that the suffering daughter may subsequently regret making this case so high profile. I would like to clarify that she does not have to feel bad about her father cheating, because it is not her fault, and she therefore has nothing to be ashamed about. However, by blowing things up to this extent, she may have narrowed the possibility of having a proper relationship with her father in the future, and the shadow of having her family ruined by an affair made public may follow her around for as long as these internet records exist and continue to be discussed.
Some of you may point out that there is no point continuing to have a relationship with a man who turns his back on his family for another woman. There is clearly a lot of anger, hurt and perhaps hatred on her part for her father, and she may now be of the opinion that she does not need him in her life at all. (And can you really blame her? I would feel exactly the same if I were in her shoes, hurt and pissed as hell). But the fact is that we all change. Imagine if this happened to you, and you were to look back 50 years later, estranged from your father all those years until his death, never able to have a proper talk for any closure or reconciliation. And a thousand "what ifs" would run through your head. "What if I had done things differently, would my children have had a grandfather around to dote on them?; "What if... would I have had a chance to say a final goodbye?", etc. My point is, you never really know. Things change, people change, and your mindset and thinking changes. You hate someone today. You might love and miss them tomorrow. Human emotions are fucked up. You think you should just feel nonchalant about someone because they're not worthy of your attention, but somehow you may still care deeply for them.
HOWEVER, having said all of the above,
the truth is, I can't say I would not do what she did if I were in her shoes.
Although the logical and rational side of me tells me that this situation was handled pretty badly, I know there is a high probability that I would have at least been highly tempted to do the same. Therefore, even though I think she shouldn't have done it, in no way do I actually think she should be held accountable. The truth is that you never really know what you would do and how it feels until you experience it personally. Your parents are supposed to stick by you no matter what, I'm sure we can all imagine how terrible it is being betrayed by a parent, much less in such a way. I would probably go crazy. I would feel immensely hurt and angry. I'm not sure I would actually ever be able to let go of that hatred. Some things just scar you for life.
So what is the right thing to do?
I can't really say what the right thing to do is. Obviously in an ideal situation, you let go and get over things that upset you, but easier said than done. It's never that simple, it's hard as hell. Ultimately, I hope that if I'm ever faced with a similar situation, I can find it within myself to react rationally, and be the better person. Most things are never worth blowing up. We could do so much better than that. But that's just my opinion, and I've always been a relatively private people. Clearly, different people grieve differently and handle things differently.
THE PRC FACTOR
I think it's pretty obvious that people are being extra harsh on the PRC mistress and PRC daughter because *surprise surprise* they are PRC. That's a whole other debate which I don't wish to get into right now, although I have got to say that some of the people who have helped me the most during the toughest times are from China. A few years ago, I was a scared 16 year old who was studying abroad away from my family, and I got myself in a pretty shitty situation where I had no friends and was suffering from severe emotional stress. 2 of the few friends who opened up their hearts and home to me, were from China. They cooked me meals, let me stay over and sleep in their beds with them, lending me clothes and walking me home when it got too late. I will never forget their generosity, kindness, and the hospitality they extended to me when I was in such a desperate state. You never forget the people who help you when you're in your deepest bouts of despair. (Thank you, Melinda and Christine!)
I feel that it is somewhat unfair to equate being PRC to being scum, although in this matter I fully concede that being a mistress is an extremely low thing to do. However, I do wonder if Singaporeans would be reacting the same way if the mistress were not PRC, but local. What do you think?
Anyway, I apologise for my rambling and incoherent thoughts on the matter, and I would like to highlight that these are just my personal opinions (I have too many, lol). I am definitely not trying to criticise anyone or set any moral standards that people should conform to, because I am not a saint and even I don't always follow what I think is right. I feel terrible for the suffering wife and her daughter, and I wish them all the best for the road to recovery. Many people have offered their help and assistance, and I hope that they wake up everyday knowing that many of us are rooting for them. The man's daughter is clearly very courageous to have shared her story, and I know she can use that bravery and strength to move on with her life and live well. The bravest people always achieve the most in life (something I should definitely take note of).
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